Keeping it Strate, Episode 657

 Everything you are about to read is true.  The names have not been changed to protect the innocent.  They are NOT innocent, they are all mostly to blame for my issues.  I am beginning to think that senility is NOT real.  You just get so old and tired that you pretend to "check out" so everyone leaves you alone.
I am so close.
Will they let me have knitting needles and paintbrushes in "The Home?"
If so, I am!

that being said,
How can you not love these little faces?

And now for the story.
I am calling it Freaky Friday.
5:00 AM
My foot hurts really bad.  I have been having problems with it, this week was worse than normal.
Could be the living room painting for two evenings, up and down the ladder.
Could be the eight hours a day spent standing on concrete pressing numbers on Little League shirts.
Could be the three miles that I walk a lot of mornings.
Who knows? 
It just hurts.
So I cancel my walk.
Quick message on Facebook and I am in the recliner for the morning, resting my foot.
to the basement to make coffee.
(we are not even going to talk about WHY I have to go to the basement to make coffee, there is not enough time for ALL the stories and I really should post more often....I have the material, but not the time and that is why we need the reality show)
Change loads,  back UPstairs for more clothes,
back DOWNstairs to put them in the washer. 
Back to the recliner.
Doze off.
The phone rings.
7:00 AM
Jenn needs a gift for Tyler's teacher for Teacher Appreciation Day.
Back UPstairs to the attic to find a gift in the gift shop that is in my attic.
Wrapping paper, tape, tags, stickers, next door, wrap the gift, back home.
DOWNstairs to change loads again.
UPstairs to shower and get ready for work
DOWNstairs to leave for work, when JWS says,
"Did you remember that you need something to donate for that benefit tomorrow?"
Back UPstairs to the attic.
Load the car.
The refrigerator blew up at the shop, so now I pack a little cooler with water bottles for the day.
I have to take the potty chair because I am getting Gracelyn for the morning and she is having bathroom issues.
I really hate to go into detail.
So many of my posts involve poop.
Little did I realize at
that this had been the
 part of my day.
I go to the meeting place to pick up Gracelyn.
We make the trade.
Shawnee drives away.
I drive over some pile of stuff.
It didn't look that big,
I never saw it.
JWS would later comment,
"In your state of mind this week, it could have been a cow and you would not have seen it."
I hated to admit that was true.
And now my car won't go.
I am under it,
I back up a little,
I pull forward.
This can't be good.
I call JWS...who now has Logan and no car seat for him.
His comment
"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"
My comment,
"Well, I could try to walk, it's only five miles, but I have a sore foot and a three year old in the car."
As if.
He comes to get me.
He is quiet.
But that is better than yelling.
I load Gracelyn in the truck.
Logan and her begin to chat.
It is the only sound.
I make three trips to load the rest of the stuff in the truck.
potty chair
cooler for me
cooler for Gracelyn
huge bag of clothes (which I would later need...again...poop)
my purse
and don't forget..
the big cupboard door that I painted for the benefit raffle.
At this point the hilarity of the morning took over
and I began to laugh.
It is the first sign that you are losing it, right?
JWS must be holding it together really well
9:00 AM
At work,
with a three year old and four year old.
I think that might be enough for most people,
now I have to locate my AAA card, which, of course I cannot find.
Call AAA to get my numbers.
(Really, I was not even sure I renewed it)
At this point, I think,
Where is the organized life that you would remember to renew your AAA and then actually
remember that you did it?
And considering that I left the newspaper subscription run out last week, anything is possible.
Call AAA emergency service, deal with the rather rude person that wanted to know when I could get back to my car to meet the tow truck.
John is leaving to deliver shirt orders, meet the UPS truck and other errands. 
I left the keys in the car for the tow truck.
She says
"Well, you have to be there or they won't tow it."
OK, then.
I tell her.
"Look, I am at work, WITH a three year old and a four year old AND if I happened to have a spare car sitting around, perhaps I could load them both up, put a sign on the door and happily drive down the road and then wait for the tow truck for the two hour time frame that you are giving me that he will be there.  I am sure that it will not be hard to entertain two preschoolers beside a busy highway for two hours, again, IF I happened to have that spare vehicle sitting around"

I really hate to have to be THAT sarcastic sometimes.
Let's just say that we worked that out.
Too long to explain the logistics.

OK, anyone want to run for a cup of coffee before I continue?
There's more folks.
Back at work.

Logan is happily playing Mario on the computer, Gracelyn is watching him.
They are being good.
The first poop incident happens.
Here is the rest of the morning,
Phone call,
clean up poop.
Work on the one job that really needs done.
phone call
phone call
more poop
phone call
a little work
person to pick up the cupboard door for the raffle
another person that wanted a donation
told her to come back Monday and I would have something for her
she YELLED at me.
Not the morning to do that.
phone calls
more poop
a little more work
phone call
phone call
more poop
Jenn picks up Logan.
Poor Gracelyn, she has had diarrhea for a week.
She tries, but she doesn't quite make it.
the job that I have been working on all morning.
Gracelyn decides to "help" me with.
She was so proud!
I had to start over.

But how cute.
She brings me one of the boys Lego wheels,
and wants to make a tire swing for a bee.
What imagination.

How much time she spent "waiting" for the bee.

Jenn calls.
"Is Tyler there?"
Tyler is five.
Normally he gets off the bus here, but someone has to be outside waiting for him, or they are to take him home.
The bus normally comes at 11:20.
A quick look outside says that the bus has not been here yet, there are other people waiting.
I go to the door.
The bus pulls up, Tyler flies off the bus in his normal fashion.
In the confusion...I forget to call him Mom, who is still standing outside waiting for a bus that is obviously not going to stop there.

And that was not the last child we would lose yesterday.

But before that.

Shawnee shows up for Gracelyn.

I say,
"You know that jewelry from that party that I had for you last week that was supposed to show up this week?  Well I never got it."

Many phone calls ensued.
Turns out, the wrong address was put on the box.
UPS delivered the box to someones front porch.
Not sure where the front porch was.
Just a front porch.

Shawnee suggests that maybe I should check my front porch.
Sometimes she has her mother's gift of sarcasm.
It is not fun when it is directed at me.

I tell her that I HAVE indeed checked my front porch and it is not there
Several more phone calls,
shirts coming out of the dryer.
Still working to replace the job that Gracelyn helped me with.

The BIG UPS number,
the local UPS number.
I go to find our driver.
Find him on Main Street.

Did you remember that I have a sore foot through all of this?
I step out of the car.
The pavement is uneven.
I sprain the ankle on the bad foot leg.

Now I am really limping.

Back to the shop
More shirts coming out of the dryer.
More phone calls.
And where is Gracelyn.
Yelling Louder
Panic yelling
JWS shuts of the shirt press.
He is yelling also
Eight and one half months pregnant Shawnee yelling.
Did I mention my MIL showed up in the middle of all that?

JWS finds her behind the dumpster, totally unaware, blowing seeds off dandelions.

Heart restarted

Our friend shows up with his three month old chocolate lab.
The shop then turns into a ball game between a three year old and a three month old.   The three month old outsizes the three year old considerably.

Does the confusion never end?

I look at JWS and mouth
We really need to work night shift.
That would free up the days for the confusion to reign.

Everyone leaves.
Including JWS.
He has to deliver more shirts.
He closes the truck door to pull out and I see the shirts that he needs to deliver...
still sitting on the counter.
Disaster averted.
He has the wrong box of shirts.

More calls on the missing jewelry.

Fix the job that Gracelyn helped with.

JWS comes back
He says he is going to Jenn's to cook the chicken for the birthday party tonight.
I stare,

Before he can leave, another of his friends shows up to visit.
This one does NOT have a dog.

This one, however knows who owns the camp where the jewelry was delivered.
Not a house, a camp.
He also knows an entire story about the people that own the camp.
he says,
"That woman works at the hardware store in Rural Valley"

I call the hardware store.

She has the jewelry.

A.)1 800 CALL UPS.

B.) Ask your local carpenter friend.

I am going with selection B


Leave work and go get the jewelry.

Did I mention that somewhere along the line (about the bee tire swing time) my car reappeared?

I broke the rear drive train.
So for now, my all wheel drive vehicle is just front wheel drive.
and it will be fixed.

Then I get home, dodge flying golf balls and a battery operated gator, get my car parked,
rush in the house,
change clothes,
wrap birthday presents,
two Aleve,
chased with a half a glass of red wine,
and off to a birthday party,
next door.

One of the girls wanted to know if I had the jewelry sorted...

I had other photos on here...they disappeared. 
Aren't you glad...this was enough for the day!


Traci said…
LOL...thanks for the laugh this morning! And I thought my life was complicated..

Hope your foot, ankle and car are fixed and feeling better soon.

Happy Mother's Day..
Teresa said…
Just reading this makes me think I need a glass of wine also, too bad it is 6 am here.
Hope today is a better day.
Teresa's Heartfelt Stitches
My goodness! I am exhausted, and I thought things weren't going well here... {{{Hugs to you}}} I hope you have a much more relaxing day today!
OMG, I laughed so hard I peed my pants a little! Bless your heart! I hope better days are ahead for you. But thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today!
rachel said…
Oh my goodness! That wore me out just reading it! Bless your heart! I hope today goes much better for you!
Connie said…
Oh man, I don't know how you do it! I think I would have taken those Aleve with a whole bottle of wine after that day...LOL

Hope this weekend is better for you and try...try really hard, to stay off that foot. I know....I'm just helping you dream a bit :)

TheCrankyCrow said…
Oh my HECK!!! I haven't laughed that hard since your last post! But I will say I was wrong - I suggested you should have a column somewhere. I don't think so anymore - I think it needs to be a full-blown reality show!! Thanks for the laughs...Seems the more chaotic your life becomes, the funnier your posts. Hope they treat you regally on mother's day - no one deserves it more! (PS - that little bee tire swing tidbit is remarkable! An incredible imagination...she must have your genes!!) Smiles & Hugs, Robin
Denise said…
Good Golly - I am exhausted! One question though - did you sleep well last night?

Hope today is a 'calm' day for you. Sorry to have laughed at the UPS stuff.
LibbiesHome said…
Words fail. Will continue to pray, but will focus prayer on you winning the lottery.You need to write a book. I think you could be the next Erma Bombeck...
Happy Mother's Day! You deserve it!!
wow Cath, my lead a dramatic life! by the way...AAA has automatic withdrawl...I know this cuz I opted for that feature last year...otherwise I'd forget too!
Hope your Mother's Day is Great!!
SANDI said…
Awww! I don't know how you do it. I am exhausted just reading about it. You really need to write a book or a column about your adventures. Hope your ankle is feeling better. Happy Mother's Day to you!
Ohhhhhh Cathy, What a whirlwind of activity!!!!! I'm tired just reading all that. Do you buy wine by the case???? I think you need too!!!! Take care of that foot.
Happy Mother's Day!!!!! Yes, they better take care of you royally tomorrow!!!!!

Laurie said…
Good Lord Cathy!! You really should write a book or do a reality show of a day in your life! I always look forward to your stories, if I didn't read them for myself, I'd never believe them! Have a great Mother's Day, and take care of your foot.
luv2teek said…
Thanks for sharing your life "Strate" up--it makes the rest of us feel good about our day!

Keep smilin' and have a great week...Bev