A Dark Subject

So, today friends we are going to approach a dark subject.
Sick Men
Hence the hearts and flowers and sunshine picture!
Let me start by stating a few facts
that I would like you to remember as I continue this subject line.
Fact Number One
My husband is an expert caregiver.
To me, to strangers, to friends and there was no better son
when his mom was sick!
Fact Number Two
He rarely really gets sick.
Fact Number Three
I would not trade him for anything!
That being said,
I would like to relate the timeline of my life for the last
96 hours of my life.
(that sounds so much better to me that 4 days)
96 Hours Ago
Friday 7:00 AM
Everything was as normal as it gets in our lives.
We were in Hershey, PA for the PA State Fair Convention
JWS' voice is a little throaty.
Nothing unusual considering the party we attended the night before.
Business as usual.
90 Hours Ago
Friday 1:00 PM
Lunch and I notice his eyes are a little red and he is coughing.
Now at this point, I get the impending doom that we
are going to have a cold here.
My immediate thoughts are
1. A flight to Siberia
2. A self-induced (or vodka induced) coma.
3. Just make an appointment to have my fingernails ripped
out with pliers because that is going to be less painful.
81 Hours Ago
Friday 10:00 PM
And....we have a cold.
Coughing, Hacking, Shivers,
I text all knowing friends for sympathy
OMG, he has a cold!
OMG, what can I do for you?
So sorry for your situation.
Run for Siberia
You know, those kinds of sympathy that only women
can give one another.
79 Hours Ago
Friday 12:00 AM
JWS:   I need medicine.
So we leave the hotel in a snowstorm and drive to the
store and get him meds.
Now, one would think it was just cold meds.
However, this is JWS and he thinks,
1. He has bronchitis,
2. He has pneumonia,
3. He has legionnaire's disease 
4. He has a tumor and it is metastasizing.
I convince him that since all of those require more meds than
this grocery store has,
let's just buy Alka Seltzer Plus
and some cough drops.
I also buy some fruit.
Just because it looked like a good midnight snack.
We return to the hotel and share the fruit.
(That is the part in all this that really scares me...)
He promptly loses all the fruit.
We won't go into those details.
72 Hours Ago
Saturday 7:00 AM
He is down.
I have seen this before.
He has a cold and he is mean.
Normally good-natured, he is mean, mean, mean with a cold.
We all had plans to go some places.
I still went. 
Because really, it's not bad to be in a huge house with a mean
common cold patient,
but to be stuck in a hotel room with a mean
common cold patient is unbearable.
honestly, I thought it was just a cold.
I did text him.
And...he was up and left the room at one point.
So, he had to be somewhat ok.
But he is coughing....bad...and the cough drops are not helping.
60 Hours Ago
7:00 PM
Still thinking it is just a cold.
He can be a little dramatic when he is sick.
I carry on with commitments. 
55 Hours Ago
12:00 AM
He decides he want to go to the Emergency Room.
I call the front desk to find out where to take him.
I get dressed, get ready to go and he falls asleep,
I sit there and read, knit, watch tv until 1;30, fully dressed and he does not wake up
so I go to bed.
Now between 1:30AM and 4:00AM,
he cranks the room temp up to sauna conditions,
he coughs incessantly
he gets up and leaves the water running in the bathroom
I haven't slept much.
4:22 AM
I feel something thump on my bed and am startled awake.
It is a suitcase
and I hear this growl.
"Get up and pack, we are going home"
50 Hours Ago
5:00 AM Sunday
I set the GPS to try to find the turnpike
I grab coffee at McDonalds
and start the four hour trek home...
not happy.
and now I am
At this point, JWS pops a cough drop in his mouth and
CHEWS it up! 
And I yell something to the effect of no wonder those aren't working!!!
47 Hours Ago
8:00 AM
We hit the ice storm.
And I ask him to drive...just over the mountain, please.
And...he does.
And...he falls asleep.
Screaming across two lanes of traffic he wakes up.
He drives over the mountain and the next half hour, straight to the
Emergency Room
at the hospital we normally go to.
45 Hours Ago
10:00 AM
We have a diagnosis.
He seriously asks if that is terminal.
I am exhausted.
43 Hours Ago
12:00 PM
We have stopped at Starbucks
for a
Grande Americano with Three Creams
for him.
Because you know, that is a priority in life if you have
terminal strain of influenza.
We head to Walmart to get his prescription filled.
800 mg of Motrin.
He thinks they have given him a rare drug for his condition.
I don't even tell him, I have taken that for a headache.
The cute little pharmacist girl tells me a half hour.
I debate whether to just go buy it off the counter and make my own script
he wants homemade chicken noodle soup
when he gets home
so I do my shopping
and go back to the pharmacy
where I am told it will be another half hour.
I look around at the assemblage of Walmart people
in their pajama pants
with nothing else to do on a Sunday morning
and I quietly and distinctly say to this cute little thing,
"Look, honey, I have just driven four hours across the state of Pennsylvania
on two hours of sleep
and then sat in the Emergency Room
for three more hours,
with a sick husband
who is now waiting in the vehicle,
and I have another 45 minute drive home....
I suggest you bump that prescription to the front"
She looked scared.
Two minutes later, I had the prescription.
So, here we are,
96 hours later.
I have
*Sanitized every possible surface
*Made homemade chicken noodle soup
*Made caramelized Brussels sprouts
(don't even try to figure that one out)
*Dispensed Meds
*Figured out the Sanitizing Cycle on the Dishwasher
*Served "those eggs that you put in the little hole in the middle of toast"
somehow avoided making Pot Pie that he thought he needed. 
But all in all,
I have discovered,
when he is finally really sick,
not just sniffling, meanie, cold sick.
He is not that bad of a patient.
I am actually relieved!
As a side note though,
I have put all cooking channels on child lock out today.
There are limitations to my cooking abilities
he does not need any more wild ideas.


acorn hollow said…
even though it is not funny it is:) I have a husband who has come through major sickness but if he gets a cold look out!!!!
what is it? I hope your husband feels better soon the flu is not fun and really takes it out of you.
Farm Girl said…
I was visiting at Kim's blog and I saw the title of your post and I just had to stop by. Thank you so much for making my morning. I laughed my self silly, after just experiencing my husband being sick. It is so true isn't it? Thank you so much for writing this all down.
It is priceless. I hope your dear hubby is better now, and you are a saint.
bettyj said…
Loved the humor in your post. We have to laugh to keep from curling into the fetal position and crying! Hope he feels better. The flu is horrible. A friend has been hospitalized since last Wed with.Take care. did you get Tamiflu? If not you need it
dee begg said…
Oh My! Men are really big babies when they are sick aren't they? How does a simple cold turn into a terminal illness with them? I feel your pain. Hope he gets better soon.

Sheila said…
Oh how I've missed your wit and humor-unfortunately at JWS expense once again. You have my sympathy girl and you deserve a medal. Nothing worse than a sick man!!!
I hope he is doing better.
Take care.
Ann Thompson said…
You have my deepest sympathy and I sincerely apologize for giggling through this post because had it been happening to me it would not be so funny :)
Anonymous said…
Hope he is feeling better and men are something else when sick lol
Oh my Cathy! Thanks for the morning laugh, that I so needed! I have missed your stories. Hope he's feeling better soon! Take Care!